You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
