just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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