fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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