we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
