Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
