the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
