Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
