i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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