Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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