look no pants
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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