It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
