You can't special order awesome
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
