Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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