There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
