You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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