I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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