im about as happy as oj after his trial
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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