Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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