Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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