ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
