Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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