somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
