I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
