I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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