i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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