Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
