his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize