shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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