I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
im holly from the hills drunk
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
