I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
