If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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