Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
