Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
