I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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