i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
