You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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