im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize