Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
