Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
