Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
