I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
