i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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