how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize