I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think my fart just growled at me.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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