Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
