omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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