Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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