my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
