dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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