Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
