After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
