eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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