Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
