i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize