if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
