Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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