If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
