Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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